The Clouds are Calling, the Coaster is Falling

Well, it is tomorrow morning, EARLY morning, that I join the rankings with the birds in the sky. I take flight for my big Ethiopian adventure. I am mostly packed. Mostly ready. Of course a wife and mother is never really ready to say goodbye to her family for 10 days. And though one may
"think" they are ready for a trip like this, I think I know better than to even pretend to really be ready. Of course I have every medicine that I don't likely even need but know I could not buy if I did, my clothes, my waterproof all leather sneakers, my passport, crisp money (hard to find by the way), camera, notebooks, Bible, gum, etc... all the donations to take over (1 full suitcase and half another!!). But am I ready?? I can't even really begin to answer that. It is like asking if you are ready for your first BIG roller coaster. You think you know what it will be like and you think it will be great, but the reality of the matter is that you could come off puking in your hands! And though my odds of diarhhea are much greater than puke, I know that whether I am really ready of not, the Lord has prepared my heart and soul for whatever it is I am supposed to get out of this. And if there is diarhhea or luggage lost or camera malfunctions (a bad dream last night on that) or my roller coaster is just much faster than I bargained for... It will be just as it is intended to be and I have a great peace about going. You will not hear from me for some time, and when you finally do- BOY WILL I HAVE A LOT TO SAY!!! God bless family and friends. I will be back late on the 1st of July!

On behalf of this foster boy

I sit here tonight fighting back tears as I write. It doesn't take much for me to cry these days. It is rather normal, common, and quite pathetic in many cases. But tonight it is for good reason that I feel like crying. I am so grateful for my family. I know many people say this and think they mean it. Yet their actions aren't those of deep appreciation when they cheat on their spouses, beat their kids, buy toys and not food, etc. I don't want this to be a judgement, I just feel that our life experience have lead to a very deep appreciation. And having a spouse that has been through it all with me... I just feel so incredibly blessed.

Yet this is NOT the point. Or the reason for my emotions. Nor the reason that it is 20 past 11 and I am up and writing this now. My good friend Lynn has a foster child from an Indian Reservation and through their foster care system. He is an amazing, now 6 year old boy. He has a life shortening disease called cystic fybrosis and Lynn brough him home now nearly 4 years ago and has loved him as her own. She brought him from a state of near death to a thriving member of their large and connected family. So that is the backround. And tonight- she asks for all our prayers. This child has had a case plan that was supposed to lead to adoption for about 2 years now. And instead of a severance hearing and an adoption date, she is getting word that there will now be BM visitation starting regularly. Yes, that is right. 4 years later, and visitations will be starting. She is being told to be prepared for her son to be removed and put into a family of which he knows no one.

Of course this story rings too close to home for me with my girls. You may have noticed that there are no pictures of my girls on my blog. They can not be until they are adopted (I speak as if it is a matter of when and not if, as Lynn once also spoke of her son). I went through a time where my girls' case plan looked grim at best. I was a wreck. And as soon as I could see some blue sky through the clouds, I GRABBED ON! And I am still holding on to the hopes and prayers that "THE COURT HEARING" will sometime happen. If I hadn't this hope, I would be just lost. I would go through my days as I once did and I will not do that again. I can not.

I love this boy. I love Lynn. I love her whole family. And I hate the system. Raising the children is the easy part. Meeting their "special needs" is CAKE compared to dealing with courts and case plans. What will it be like parenting without the burden of courts and case plan? I can not say that I know. I can only say that I hope to know soon.

Please take a moment and say a prayer for Lynn and her LAST unadopted child. Lynn is tired and needs strength. And if you could, please add my girls to the list. The system is so broken and these children need mercy. They deserve it.

When Burdens are Bigger than Excuses

It was only about 2 weeks ago that I made an impromptu decision to go to Africa. If you would have asked me at the start of this year if I would get to Africa, the answer would have been a firm "no" followed by "I have wanted to go for a long time and hope to go one day, but this is not the year". And so as it always seems, my plans for this year are different than the Lord's.

I have a friend, Kim, who is adopting a BEAUTIFUL girl from Ethiopia. She is a three year old that just seeing her smile melts my heart. She, like all too many of the children in Ethiopia, is in need a the love and support of a forever family. Anyway, Kim found herself in a situation where her husband was going to stay back state side to care for the house and kids while Kim wondered across the world to pick up this wonderful child. So in this, I prayed about whether I was to join her and support her in this quest.

It seems like an easy decision now that I look back on it. Though at the time, I was in huge internal turmoil. The financial cost of going, the strain on the caregivers for the kids while I was away, the added pressures put on my J, the appointments that would need to moved, the vaccines, finding the passport, who would do this and that... There are always reasons to just stay. To sit comfortably at home with the daily grind and not challenge myself beyond the norm. I layed in bed the last night before the decision and asked myself at what point would there be no more excuses for NOT going? At what point would I be willing to stop rationalizing and start trusting... and so it has begun.

For those of you that don't have faith in our Lord, you may not fully ever understand why I am going. Though there are practical things that Kim and I will be doing on this trip to help orphans and with The Grafted Tree, in addition to picking up Kim's new child, the reasons go so much further than that. Ethiopia is a place of grief and loss. It is a place of true despair. And though I have heard that it is beautiful in many ways, it is a place without Christ, without medicine, without basic health, without food, without shelter... just plain WITHOUT. I feel burdened by so much of Africa. Ethiopia being a part of that. I feel burdened on a spiritual level. It is this burden that spoke louder than all the excuses I could drum up. It was this burden that plunged me onto the phone with the travel agent the very next day (and a few numbers given to me by Kim!). So what will come of this deep burden once I am there? Or when I return?? I don't know. It is scary to think, really. If I see it, feel it, smell it... how can I not do something about it? And what does that look like? What is that cost of the action vs. the inaction?

Excuses. Why do we do what we do? Why don't we do what we don't? When is the time to take the plunge into the unknown and step out in faith? Now is my time.

Hats off to Mom this Father's Day!

Father's Day is full of fun memories as a child. My mom would always arrange a fun family day at the lake, zoo, theatre, park, etc. We would shop in advance for that perfect gift for Dad and often times make him a special card or extra special picture. Dad would wake to his favorite breakfast and a cup of steaming coffee. He would relax as he read his paper and then the day's activities would ensue.

So now that J and I are blessed to have three children, it was my turn to plan this special day. And due to my mom being out of town, we wanted to include my dad in this day as well. Finding time to just think of what would be fun wasn't easy. It was only 5 days before the BIG day that the plan came to me- we would go to church as a family and then I would pack a picnic and we would all go the the Glendale Rec Center for family swimming. After swimming we would head back to home and put the kids down for a nap. I would then spend the afternoon prepping a favorite dinner of J's that my dear friend Joyce hooked us on- CHINESE food of egg rolls, crab puffs, and pork fried rice. We would gorge until we were about to burst and then fat and happy, simply call it a day!

The plan was revealed and all the pieces were put into place. First we did church, then we explored the water park. The boys rocked out on Rock Band while the kids napped and I diced carrots and browned pork. Food was cooked, we ate, and then FAT AND HAPPY, we sat to rest. It was the great day I had imagined it to be. Dad number 1 had fun. Dad number 2 had fun. The three babies thought it was Child's Day they had so much fun. AND I WAS WORE TO THE CORE!!! After enjoying (and I did despite the exhaustion) this perfect day, I now know who I really need to thank this Father's Day... My mom.

Like so many things when we are children, I now can see (and FEEL) what it takes to make the fun (and ordinary) all take place. My mom is and was a person with great energy and HUGE ideas. And ideas are nothing without the action steps to make them come to life and my childhood was FULL of life. Mom- Hats off to you this Father's Day. I love my dad and he is truly special. But it is today that I realize that even on HIS special day, it wouldn't have been the same without you there.

SHOUT out to Jen

Well, it took a visit from my good friend Jen to finally get this thing really up and running. I fear I may have had too much fun putting little timers for special events on my page. If one is good, then three is better, right? Or so for now, since it is about the only thing other than typing that I know how to do, it is SUPER exciting for not-so-computer-savy me! Now, in addition to figuring out how to put polls, pictures, etc on my page, I need to learn how to find YOUR BLOGS. This is a whole new world... but an exciting new world. I learned how to read my comments so if anyone is even reading this, I eagerly accept your advise on how to improve it and where to go for these cool little "things" you can put on it! So fun! Thanks for your patience. I feel like my blog should really have a backround that is a made of construction tape that says somthing like

DANGER- WORK IN PROGRESS!!!